I am a failure.
I am a failure in almost every area of my life.
I believe that I actually set myself up for failure.
When I was younger I was good, really good, at everything. I made the good grades, I had the good behavior, and I did everything I was supposed to do and then some.
I was teased because I was a “good girl”. It was a title that held with it an image of a nerdy, fun sucking, little snotty nosed girl.
I hated being a “good girl” especially times I didn’t feel like trying my best. I was tired living up to this title I was dubbed with. If I came home with a B on a test I was reprimanded… but if my brother would come home with a C he was praised.
It hardly seemed fair.
I wanted to just be a normal kid.
I didn’t want to have to try so hard all of the time.
There came a point in my life when I tried, I honestly tried, to do everything perfectly. When I would fail at being completely perfect at everything all of the time, all of my tiny flaws and failures would be pointed out to me by everyone around me. I’m sure looking back on it now they were possibly trying to be helpful, but each word stung me like a rubber band snapping against my skin.
It made me feel like… my best was not enough.
I gave everything I had and I just wasn’t enough… I couldn’t measure up to the standards everyone had for me.
At some point, around age 13, I decided it would be easier to not try at all, to be a disappointment based on the things I never tried to do rather than to be a disappointment because my ALL wasn’t enough for someone.
I didn’t want to be a “good girl.”
It seemed like so much more fun, it seemed so much easier to be a “bad girl.”
So I gave up.
I gave up on school and I gave up on perfect… not only perfect, I didn’t try at all… at anything.
I smoked because good girls don’t smoke.
I drank despite its nasty taste because good girls didn’t drink.
I found the “bad boy” and dated him… and married him. (Thank you Lord he is now a “good boy”)
I did things I knew in my heart were wrong all because of other people’s opinions of me.
If their rejection of me was my fault… was due to me being “bad”… then I could deal with that. It was something I was working towards right?
If their rejection of me was in no part my doing… if they rejected me even when I was at my best… I just couldn’t take that anymore.
I was full of fear.
I feared starting anything because I knew that in its finished state it would NOT be good enough for someone.
I still hate cleaning today, because it’s something I’ve never been good at. I rather have someone comment on my mess… knowing that I didn’t clean than to have someone comment on my mess when I know I’ve given it all I had.
At some other point in my life, around age 18… after 5 years of playing the “bad girl” role, I realized that I really am a “good girl.”
I’m not sure where to go from here. I’ve given all that I am, all that I have to the Lord. I love Him with all of my heart. I have complete and total trust in Him… but how do I trust myself or those around me?
I am still a failure. A saved failure, a failure shown mercy and grace daily… but a failure.
I still notice that I fight this fear of rejection with the mindset that being not good enough on my own account is better than not being good enough. Period.
I see it in my home. I see it in my work. I see it in my art.
I read the scriptures and I pray… how do you change so many years of purposely failing? How do you re-position your stance on rejection?
I don’t know… but I’m going to find out.
It will all start with this verse:
…obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for their wrongs, and there is no favoritism.