June 25, 2012

INSANITY Day 1 - Oh Dear Lord...

Okay, so I woke up this morning at 5:00 a.m. I had debated a bit on what time would be the best time for me to work out. I really rather work out in the afternoon, warm muscles make for wonderful sleep for me. I've never had the problem of being "amped up" after a workout making it impossible to drift off into a blissful sleep. he he.

However, I know me... and I know if I choose the afternoon the craziness of my life will, more times than not, get in the way and the workout would be postponed. So, even though I am NOT a morning person, by any means of the name, I chose to get up an hour earlier than usual to complete the exercise completely uninterrupted. I am now able to crawl around with butter knees in a pool of my own sweat and slobber completely peacefully. ha.

So... Day 1... the FIT test. WE had to do a warm up exercise to start followed by a stretch... then into the intense fit test we went. I had an entire minute to see how many reps of the following I could fit in said minute. I was pathetic... :/

Switch Jacks - 50sets
Power Jacks - 27
Power Knees - 70
Power Jumps - 20
Globe Jumps - 7 sets
Suicide Jumps - 9
Push Up Jacks - 5 ( I have very weak upper body strength)
Low Plank Obliques - 8

By the time the first four were completed, I was completely SPENT! I had to really push myself to even attempt the rest of the test... as you can possibly tell by the declined numbers of reps. I know what tomorrow holds, because I've already watched the dvd... but I am soooo not looking forward to it. I can't even imagine. I'm sure about 60% of it will be watched by me lying on my back crying with exhaustion. lol. No really, I do want this... badly... and I will push myself as hard as I  possibly can.

Usually after a workout I can begin to feel the soreness about a day or two afterwards... well, it's been literally hours now, and I can already feel the soreness coming on. I think I'm just THAT out of shape. Ouch. I did drink a high protein shake after the workout to help with the muscle recovery. I will definitely be soaking in a tub of Epson salt tonight before bed. 

So... here are my measurements on day one (eeeak, I can't believe I'll post these)
Weight      -     139
Upper arms  -  10.75"
Shoulders   -   42.75" (around both)
Chest        -    35.25 (yeah, nothing there, never was)
Waist      -      36.75
Hips       -       39 (those kids did that)
Thighs     -     21.50
Abv knees  - 14.50
upper chest - 34.50

Just my little ramble/journal to track my progress over the next 60 days. Whew... I'm so ready for this to be over with already.  

Have any of you taken on a workout challenge lately? How was it? 


June 22, 2012

Five Minute Friday - RISK



What is risk exactly? Could it be deciding to try a workout program everyone you’ve spoken to about it promises you will not be able to complete?

I admit it’s INSANE, which is why it’s titled INSANITY. I wonder, too, if I will have enough will power to forge on day after day of such brutal workouts in order to bring this temple of God beyond the best it has ever been.

It’s a risk.

It’s a risk to write this knowing my track record in working out, knowing that there’s a possibility I might give in, throw in the towel, do a face plant right off the side of that wagon!

I know that when I turn 30 next year, I want to be in the best shape of my life. I don’t want to have to face medical problems for the simple reason that I didn’t have the mental strength and determination to preserver… to face my fears.

I want to set an example for my husband, who has diabetes, and my children who need to become ever so slightly more active.

I want to start out on this 60 day journey of the rest of my life… I broke in… I purchased the set. Eagerly, anxiously, excitedly, and drudgingly awaiting it’s arrival on my porch…

I took a chance

I know… it’s a risk. One that I believe I cannot afford to pass up.  


I'm following along with 
LisaJo @ 


June 18, 2012

Lost Modesty - Christians Wearing Bikinis?

My children received a gift from my mother in law… a swimming pool. It’s a nice framed pool, only three feet tall and twelve feet in diameter. It’s large enough for us to enjoy, but small enough that our little Angelique can touch and feel fairly safe playing in it. She’s still scared of the water, and I’m thankful for that in a way. It brings me to another topic… especially during these hot summer months… modesty.
How do you teach modesty to girls who are too young to understand the concept of lustful eyes? For now, they will have to make do with “because it’s not nice to wear that little in front of people.”
I grew up Pentecostal, I would wear long dresses to swim in whenever we would go swim. When I was older I tried to wear a two piece bathing suit once, and I was so uncomfortable I did not enjoy myself at all. To this day I wear a pair of shorts and a shirt to swim in over my WHOLE piece suit. My girls aren’t so opposed to wearing skimpy nothings. I try my best to make them understand the importance to being covered.
I found this video online, and I really enjoyed hearing about this study; I thought you might as well. It's about three minutes in length, but informative!
What we do to ourselves. This brings me to complete a work I had begun on another post... about what us women choose to use as "bait" for a possible husband. Why we are always so unhappy with our catch.
What are your thoughts on being Christian and wearing bikinis? 


June 15, 2012

Five Minute Friday: Path - which one?


The path… which path?

There are so many different paths we can take in our lives.

There’s a path to destruction, a path to healing, paths to drug abuse, paths to overcome.

The days are dark and long… there are so many twists and turns… each path riddled with obstacles.  How can we ever decide, or know, which path to take?

How can we be fully sure the road we are on is not deceiving us into a destination we don’t want to arrive at?

There’s only one sure way… only one.

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. Psalm 119:105


Following along with:


June 14, 2012

My Fake Fine.

I’m following along with a book study at Chatting at the Sky!

It’s a bitterly sweet book titled Grace for the Good Girl letting go of the try-hard life.

This week, we were to read chapters 4 – 6, and I did. 
Oh boy how I did… I read it in gulps. Refreshing, soothing gulps.

All I can say is WOW. It was as if this woman sat down and watched my life, from adolescence through to today and in first person point of view. She then took all of my insecurities, all of my fears and my “masks” and she wrote a book on them. She has an amazing way with words and I simply can’t get enough of her.

Today we are linking up our answers to the weeks questions.

Without further ado, here are the questions, and my answers…

1.     What is your main reason for hiding behind your fake fine? Is it because you are afraid   (what will they think of me!), lazy (it takes too much work and I need a nap and a bowl of ice cream), or something else?

            For me… I think I’m afraid of what I will look like, sitting there “poor mouthing”… being            whiney and complaining about all the difficulties of my life. When I know in my heart that this            poor soul was probably just trying to be polite, and probably has enough problems of her own…            no need to share with her the burden of mine.

2.  In what ways do you resonate with Martha’s good girl ways?

I often feel like it isn’t fair that I have to do everything on my own. I can see Martha there, feverishly trying to make everything perfect for her guests. The areas where we would be considered different? I would never have been bold enough to go out to Jesus and demand him to tell her to help me. And two, I would never have invited him into my house until the work was done. I probably would have said more like “Jesus, please come into my home tonight at such and such a time when everything will be ready for you… see you then.” I would never have invited him in to see everything as it was.

3.  Has your idea of the spiritual disciplines and the purpose of the law shifted in reading chapter six? If so, in what ways?

I think my problem has often been me comparing how good of a Christian I am by how much I do for the church… how many good Christian duties I have checked off my mental (and sometimes physical) lists. I need to remember to sometimes let go, and just bask in His grace.  


June 13, 2012

First Chapter of my Book!

I'm writing my very first book ever! 

It's a Christian fiction, written from the view point of a young native american girl. 
I'll include the first page here... if you would like to continue on to read the rest of the chapter... let me know! 

Any advice, or critiques, are very much welcomed!
I'm thinking the title will be "Breath of Mercy"... not definite. 

Breath of Mercy
Page 1
     She shivers against the cold on her skin; the sharpness of it stings the back of her throat with every breath. The snow is falling thicker, faster now making it more difficult to see ahead. She wonders when the elders will decide to stop running, or if they will find shelter before sundown.

        With each step she takes, the snow crunches beneath her bare, numb feet. She pulls her fur shawl a little tighter around her thin body in an attempt to slow her shivering. She pictures her sandals still lying on the floor in their small hut. She wishes she had remembered to grab them.
     She looks around and can make out the forms of her family members through the falling snow. Their dark figures stand out against the white backdrop. Fear and confusion etch every face. Some are crying and others look off in the distance, perhaps wondering about their fate as she is.
     To her left she can make out the silhouette of the mountains. To her right the forest is hushed. Normal for this time of year, but it seems especially quiet today. She sighs through her shivering; the cold turns her breath into a hushed grey stream of smoke.
        At the front of the group she spots her father and the elders whispering. She wonders what they’re planning. She would give anything to be able to hear the words they were speaking.  She knows there’s no chance of eavesdropping through the whistling and howling of the wind sweeping all around. It’s so cold, she’s almost thankful her toes have lost their feeling.

aaaannnnddd.... that's the end of page 1. 
I'm sure it will be edited many times before I consider it completed.
Thank you all for reading! 


The Voice of Mercy...

The Voice of Mercy
I’ve been here for a short time now,
Although it’s all I’ve ever known.
He came to take me home that day,
When something there went wrong.

He told me such sweet stories,
As He carried me away.
He told me stories of earth, and of mommy and daddy,
He said, “You will meet them one day.”

He said that my mommy loves me,
And although we are apart,
She will think about me often,
And she will keep me in her heart.

He told me of things, like sadness,
Of loneliness, pain and tears.
“These are all things you shall never suffer” He said,
I’ll never feel worries or fears!

I had so many questions,
And He answered, one by one.
“My name,” He once answered, “is Jesus.”
“Gods one and only Son.”

I asked Him what my name was,
And He whispered it in my ear.
He said “Your mommy does not know it yet,
But the day she will learn it, is near.”

When we first arrived I could see nothing,
Except a white and blinding light,
And the peace and love that flowed from it,
Consumed and embraced me tight.

The light has never changed,
Since the first day that I came,
The light is Love, is never ending,
God … that is His name.

It’s so beautiful here in Heaven,
I can’t wait till mommy can see,
I used to wonder what she would think,
Or how she would know that I’m me.

The other day, Jesus took me beside Him,
There was something He wanted to say,
“My sweet, Mercy Ann,” He said aloud,
“Your mommy learned your name today.”

He smiled, and then laughed,
When my face lit up bright.
He said “My sweet, Mercy Ann,
That’s the most precious sight.”

“Your mommy, she knows Gods’ Mercy,
And, my sweet, Gods’ Mercy you are.”
“When your mommy arrives, and she sees your sweet face,
She will know that it’s you from afar.”

He said, “There is one more thing, sweet Mercy,
That I would like you to know,
Your family, down there on earth,
Is now, starting to grow.”

“A brother or sister?!” I shrieked,
With excitement in my eyes.
He said, “The answer to that, my sweet Mercy Ann,
We shall keep a surprise.”

My mommies’ arms will be empty no longer.
She’ll have a baby that she can hold near,
Then she can feel, a small amount,
Of the love I have always felt here.

I will visit the baby often,
In dreams we will laugh and play,
And we will recognize each other,
When, we too, meet here one day.

“Jesus loves us this I know, for my Jesus tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong, we are weak, but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves us.  Yes, Jesus loves us. Yes, Jesus loves us.
My Jesus tells me so.”

Written: August 2010 (around the time Mercy was due)
By: Angel

This poem was written for my sweet dear cousin…

I grew up with no sisters. No mother.

Just my father and my brother for the longest time.
I had only a cousin, 8 months older than I… she was the best friend I had.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I made her the Godmother…
I could never have chosen a better person to serve that role.

When we found out she was pregnant a couple of years ago, we were ecstatic!

Until… that day.

That day when the doctor wanted to find the heartbeat via ultrasound and all was still… in the room, and on the screen.

All.  Was. Still.

Between sobs and silent tears she told me, and together we prayed... together we wept.

Fast forward 6 months later… and she shares with me the secret news that no one else would know for months… she was expecting again!

How exciting, how scary, how anxious.

I did what any writer friend would do…

I wrote.

I wrote this poem to her… in the memory of the child who is here only in our hearts… a child she named months after her loss… Mercy Ann.

Her second pregnancy resulted in a beautiful, precious baby girl she perfectly named Avery Grace. She is so very sweet and so very loved... 

She's my first Goddaughter... and I love her so very much :)


June 12, 2012

How To NOT Be A Failure?

I am a failure.

Simple. True.

I am a failure in almost every area of my life.

I believe that I actually set myself up for failure.

When I was younger I was good, really good, at everything. I made the good grades, I had the good behavior, and I did everything I was supposed to do and then some.

I was teased because I was a “good girl”. It was a title that held with it an image of a nerdy, fun sucking, little snotty nosed girl.

I hated being a “good girl” especially times I didn’t feel like trying my best. I was tired living up to this title I was dubbed with. If I came home with a B on a test I was reprimanded… but if my brother would come home with a C he was praised.

It hardly seemed fair.

I wanted to just be a normal kid.

I didn’t want to have to try so hard all of the time.

There came a point in my life when I tried, I honestly tried, to do everything perfectly. When I would fail at being completely perfect at everything all of the time, all of my tiny flaws and failures would be pointed out to me by everyone around me. I’m sure looking back on it now they were possibly trying to be helpful, but each word stung me like a rubber band snapping against my skin.

It made me feel like… my best was not enough.

I gave everything I had and I just wasn’t enough… I couldn’t measure up to the standards everyone had for me.

At some point, around age 13, I decided it would be easier to not try at all, to be a disappointment based on the things I never tried to do rather than to be a disappointment because my ALL wasn’t enough for someone.

I didn’t want to be a “good girl.”

It seemed like so much more fun, it seemed so much easier to be a “bad girl.”

So I gave up.

I gave up on school and I gave up on perfect… not only perfect, I didn’t try at all… at anything.

I smoked because good girls don’t smoke.
I drank despite its nasty taste because good girls didn’t drink.
I found the “bad boy” and dated him… and married him. (Thank you Lord he is now a “good boy”)

I did things I knew in my heart were wrong all because of other people’s opinions of me.
If their rejection of me was my fault… was due to me being “bad”… then I could deal with that. It was something I was working towards right?

If their rejection of me was in no part my doing… if they rejected me even when I was at my best… I just couldn’t take that anymore.

I was full of fear.

I feared starting anything because I knew that in its finished state it would NOT be good enough for someone.

I still hate cleaning today, because it’s something I’ve never been good at. I rather have someone comment on my mess… knowing that I didn’t clean than to have someone comment on my mess when I know I’ve given it all I had.

 At some other point in my life, around age 18… after 5 years of playing the “bad girl” role, I realized that I really am a “good girl.”

I’m not sure where to go from here. I’ve given all that I am, all that I have to the Lord. I love Him with all of my heart. I have complete and total trust in Him… but how do I trust myself or those around me?

I am still a failure. A saved failure, a failure shown mercy and grace daily… but a failure.

I still notice that I fight this fear of rejection with the mindset that being not good enough on my own account is better than not being good enough. Period.

I see it in my home. I see it in my work. I see it in my art.

I read the scriptures and I pray… how do you change so many years of purposely failing? How do you re-position your stance on rejection?
I don’t know… but I’m going to find out.

It will all start with this verse:

Colossians 3:22-25
…obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for their wrongs, and there is no favoritism.


June 11, 2012

You Can't Wear Those Shoes Yet...

My youngest daughter and I walked in a wedding together a few months back. One of the highlights for her (she’s 4) was picking out the shoes we would wear for the wedding. (The bride didn’t have a preference for the shoes, so as long as the bridesmaids wore black, she was fine with it.)

We both found the perfect shoes. Mine were black strappy high heals that were comfortable enough to wear for hours and not gain blisters or brush burns. Angelique’s were sandal style and Apple Red in color (she was going to be the Jr. Bride, and the Brides shoes were to be Apple Red as well).

She begged me to wear them.

The entire drive home she asked to wear them.

When we made it home that day she asked to wear them.

Before bed she asked to wear them.

When she woke up she asked to wear them.

You get the idea?

One afternoon we were getting ourselves dressed to attend the wedding rehearsal dinner. I had the perfect dress, it was black and white and beautiful… but I didn’t have the perfect shoes to go with that dress and I didn’t realized it until that very moment, with minutes left to get ready. I realized that the shoes I had purchased for the wedding would go beautifully. No one would really even see the shoes during the wedding since our dresses were floor length.

I strapped those babies onto my feet and rushed to Angelique’s side to finished getting her cute little self ready.

Me: Angelique, baby, what shoes do you want to wear today?

Angelique: Ummm, I think, maybe, I want to wear the red ones.

Me: Hmm, what red ones? Your red flip flops? You can’t wear those.

Angelique: No, the ones we bought, you know, the red ones.

Me: The ones for the wedding?

Angelique: Yes

Me: No baby, you can’t wear those until the wedding so they don’t get messed up.

Angelique: But you’re wearing your shoes for the wedding.

Me: Silent for a moment… then laughter followed.

She got me.

Prompted by Moma's Losin' It! 

Mama's Losin' It

prompt #2.) Write a post about an argument you recently had with someone from the moment of conflict to the moment of resolution in 15 lines or less.


June 6, 2012

Words That Cut Way Too Deep...

She hears those all too familiar words.
Those words that belittle her,
They discourage her,
Curse her,

They come from the voice of her father,
From the voice of her uncle,
Her step dad,
her grandfather.

They tell her that she will never amount to anything
They tell her that she is no good.
She's worthless

She believes them.

That little girl grows up with such a pain in her heart from the words that have cut way too deep.
She knows the reasons why she has issues with relationships.
With trust.
With life.

She doesn't know how to fix what has been broken inside her,
how do you erase decades of negativity,

She believes she's all too blessed to have at least had God even in those days.
She knows there are others out there, in the same situations she was in, who don’t have Him at all.
How hopeless they must feel,
How desperate,
How sad.

She imagines a God, with His arms wrapped around her as she lies in a pool of her own tears falling asleep at night.
She imagines a God standing next to her as she receives those words of hate, of darkness, and of death...
She imagines him there... whispering in her ear words of love, of light, and of life.

He tells her that she is beautiful, she is wonderfully made.
He tells her that she is loved beyond any measurements of this world.
He tells her that she can be all that he has called her to be

He will lavish her with sweet nothings, but will she open her ears to hear?
Will she open the book, the book of letters that He has written especially for her?
Will she see... what's there in black and white?

His love can cover a multitude of sins,
A multitude of hurts,
Of the past that is no more.

Open yourself and receive,
All the Grace he so mercifully gives.
Grace that washes away the pain
Grace that covers those deep wounds like a soothing balm.

He gives it freely.
Come and receive.
Let the Word of the Lord wrap you in a sweet embrace. 


June 5, 2012

Put Your Little Self In The Hands Of a Great and Mighty God...

I was 6 years old and playing at a neighbors house. I didn’t realize how late it had gotten and outside was getting dark.

I was scared of the dark.

My friends’ mom promised me she would stand at the door and watch me cross the three yards to my house. So I began my walk, very slowly.

Every few seconds I would turn around to make sure she was still standing at the door, to make sure she was still watching me… then it happened.

When I was 10 feet from my yard, I turned around to find she had closed her front door.

I was terrified.

As long as that door was open, I didn’t feel alone… I felt safe.
The minute that door shut, I was alone. Outside. In the dark.

So I did the only thing I could think of…
Call on the name of Jesus.

In my six year old mind I began to repeat His name over and over…

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…
It then turned into:

Jesus love me this I know,
For the Bible tells me so,
Little ones to Him belong
They are week
But He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so

I imagined my little self in the hands of a great and mighty God, safe from all harm.

I repeated the song twice before I reached the door to my living room, into the safety of my own home.

I never forgot that. From then on whenever I would fell anxiety, or whenever I was scared about the situation I was in I would sing “Jesus Loves Me.”

So the other night when my four year old climbed into my bed and announced she was scared of the dark, I shared my story with her.

I told her that as long as she calls on the name of Jesus, He will be there… right by her side, and she will have nothing to fear.

So today, as you sit there reading this, facing the unknown,
As you hit uncertainties head on,
As you feel your anxieties getting the best of you…
Just remember.

Jesus loves you this I know,
For the Bible tells me so,
All of us to Him belong,
We are week
But He is strong
Yes, Jesus loves you
Yes, Jesus loves you
Yes, Jesus loves you
The Bible tells me so.

He does, He loves you unconditionally and He wants to give you His peace.

So when the door of certainty closes behind you... 
remember to put your little self in the hands of a great and mighty God.